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A NEW START 



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A NEW START 

A Comedy in Four Acts 



By 

C. A. PELLANUS 

Author of ''Too Clever by Half,'' ''The First 
Day of the Holidays,'' etc. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO, 

1914 



A New Start 



ACT I 

SCENE. — Dr. Phil Graves' surgery. Dr. G. and Michael 

Spowder, untidy and without coats. 

Dr. G. Hurry up, Mike ; it is not every master would do 
for you what I have ; 1 have kept the place for you and I hope 
you'll be grateful. Give me that broom. 

{Takes a broom and sweeps. ") 

Mike. Indade, Doctor, an' 1 thank ye a thousand toimes, 
for sure Oi'd 'a' bin a ravin' loonyatic had Oi stayed at theould 
place a single 'nother day, wid the people punchin' the buttons 
off o' the bells. " Where's the master," says they, *<as calls 
hisself a docther ? " says they ; *' Wait t'll Oi get hould ov 'im," 
says they ; an' me not knowin' whether every minute was goin* 
to be the next, at all. 

Dr. G. Well, Mike, between you and me, I did get a little 
mixed with the medicines. They give these things such stupid 
names. Now, there's Calomel, and there's Camomile. Even 
a member of the American Medical Association might get them 
wrong. 

Mike. An' small blame to 'im for the same, yer honor; 
many's the toimeOi've looked along o' the shilvesto see would 
there be a pot ir a bottle with a dacent civil word on, as it 
might be " tay " or '' snuff" or " Ould Tom " but sorra' such 
a word did I find to come at (though it's a good scholar lam), 
from first to last. 

Dr. G. Were the people much put out, Mike ? 

Mike. Niver fear for that, sor, Oi put 'em all out. " Av 
ye arn't out o' this," I says, ^' in two minutes, not a mother's 
son o' ye but '11 be as black outside," I says, "as what ye are 
inside." 



6 A NEW START 

Dr. G. You showed a fine spirit, Mike. 

Mike. Sorra a bit, Doctor ; it was the broom I showed 'em, 
the very wan ye're sthrokin' the flure wid now an' doin' no 
good. 

Dr. G. Here, take it, then. But tell me exactly what oc- 
curred after my escape — 1 mean, after I left. (^Si^s down.) 

Mike. Well, first comes the ould lady wid the ringlets. 
** I want the doctor," says she. '' An' many more wants him 
too, besoides," says Oi. ** It's a foine trade we're droivin' 
now," says Oi. ** He's killed my sister," says she. " Avhe's 
left wan o' ye," says Oi, " it's more than the mijority '11 be 
after thankin' 'im for, and if ye're not out o* this in half a 
jiffy," Oi says, " Oi'll finish the job meself." 

Dr. G. Poor Miss Ladybird ! You must be gentler in your 
manner with ladies, Mike. 

Mike. Oh, sor, Oi said it quite polite and civil. 

Dr. G. She went, I suppose ? 

Mike. Oi never set oyes on her agin, after I spoke the 
word. 

Dr. G. Well, and who came after that ? 

Mike. It was the short gintleman wid the spectacles an' 
the whoite weskit. 

Dr. G. Mr. Heavysides ! and what did he say ? 

Mike. He said ye'd poisoned the cook till she's passed all 
the noight squeaHn' wid the pain. "Dr. Wrightup," says 
he 

Dr. G. Sh ! Sh ! not that name here ; we must change 
the name. But go on. 

Mike. Well, sor, he says you was not a docther worth a 
rap and Oi says ye was, Oi did, and Oi fetched him one in the 
weskit, and when he was gone away foamin' at the mouth to 
fetch the police, Oi come here like yer honor tould me. 

Dr. G. Very good. No one else came ? 

Mike. No, sor ! that is, barrin' Mr. Veering. 

Dr. G. Mr. Percy Veering came, did he ? 

Mike. The same, sir, and a nice, civil spoken gintleman 
too. 

Dr. G. Ah, Mike, never trust a lawyer. He means mis- 
chief, no matter who set him on. But I think we are safe. 
Now, listen to me. You've done pretty well these six months, 
and I shall take you into my confidence. 

Mike. Is that where ye rowl the pills ? 

Dr. G. No, no ! What I mean is, I will tell you exactly 



A NEW START 7 

how we stand. You know I am not good at doctoring, but I 
shall learn. 

Mike. It's what I always tould the customers meself. 

Dr. G. Then you made too free with your tongue alto- 
gether. No wonder there were so few. In point of fact, I am 
very much the same as other doctors ; they could pass their 
examinations and I couldn't; there is no other difference at all. 

Mike. Sure that's a troifle ; and din't ye pass when ye 
went up last month ? 

Dr. G. Ah, that I don't know yet, but I mean to go on. 
We've escaped out of Allston, and nobody knows where we 
are, so here goes for a new start. 

Mike. But will we have to poison the customers again ? 
Av ye' 11 excuse the liberty, me moind misgives me about the 
kindness of it. 

Dr. G. That's all right, Mike ; we'll have no more physic. 
What do you think these bottles contain ? Water ! all water ! 
with just a flavor of this and that, to lie on the tongue. 
{Arranges bottles.) Now, here's my new card. Take notice 
of the name, ''Dr. Phil Graves, R. S. V. P., P. T. O." 
That's the English style ; people like it better. Now, repeat 
that name. 

Mike. Dr. Phil Graves, P. Q. R. S. T. O. 

Dr. G. No. R. S. V. P., P. T. O. 

Mike. What would it mane at all ? 

Dr. G. It means Resident Surgeon to the Victoria Pande- 
monium, Physician to the Temperance Orphanage. 

Mike. Av ye've got such a foine situation, Oi'll soon be 
recayvin' the wages that's owin' me, Oi wouldn't wonder. 

Dr. G. Very soon, Mike, very soon, but these institutions 
are not built yet, only thought of. I have had one stroke of 
luck all the same ; the Grand Hotel here has just quarreled 
with its doctor, and the manager has promised to call me in 
when anything turns up. Here's the telephone they've put up. 

Mike. What would that be for ? 

Dr. G. To let me know when any of the guests want a 
doctor. 

Mike. An' would we pour the medicine down that spout ? 

Dr. G. No, no; this is to talk through. Listen. (^Goes 
to telephone,) Hello ! Grand Hotel, 641-3. 

Voice. All right, sir. Dr. Phil Graves ? 

Mike {seizing broom and making a dash under the table). 
Arrah, come out of it wid ye. {Finds nobody and is puzzled.) 



8 A NEW START 

Dr. G. ' Don't be excited, Mike ; the man I am speaking to 
is at the hotel a mile away. 

Mike. What a voice he must have. 

Dr. G. {speaking into the telephone). Has Senator Jones 
arrived yet? 

Voice. I will see, sir. 

Mike. Oh, Doctor, av ye're to have a senator talkin* to 
us, wait till Oi've washed meself and get me coat on. 

(^Begins to tidy himself.) 

Voice. Senator Jones has not yet arrived. 

Dr. G. Well, if he comes to-night tell him his old friend 
Phil Graves is expecting him to dinner. 

Mike (excited). What would ye be after. Doctor dear? 
There's not a scrap of mate in the place, barrin' the lavins of a 
pork pie, without they can send mate and drink through the 
tallyphone. 

Dr. G. All right, Mike. This is only an advertisement ; 
there is no such person as Senator Jones, only, don't you see, 
it looks well to be inquiring after big men. 

Mike. Ah, sor, ye're a jaynius. But, Doctor dear, widout 
spakin' about a senator or anybody comin' to dinner this 
evenin', maybe we'll want a snack o' something ourselves. 

Dr. G. Well, take this shilling, and make it go as far as 
you can ; get some eggs and bacon, or what you like, and cook 
them. 

Mike. Sure it's what we had at Allston ten days a week. 
Couldn't your honor afford a little change ? 

Dr. G. Mike, my boy, all the change I have in the world 
is under a $5.00 bill. Just now we must eat ham and eggs to 
live. If all goes well we shall live to eat something better 
shortly. 

Mike. But what'll I cook with ? We've no bit of firing in 
the place. 

Dr. G. Get ten cents' worth of coal. 

Mike. Axing your pardon. Doctor, wouldn't it looka troifie 
small for a professional gintleman ? What would yer honor 
say to a sack o' kindlin's ? 

Dr. G. Excellent, but where can they be had ? 

Mike. I saw a pile of it at the house wid the green palin's 
down the road ; maybe if yer honor called on 'em they'd 
oblige us wid enough to go on with, out of civility. 



A NEW START 9 

Dr. G. Very good; I'll try. Now, go and make yourself 
tidy, and get the place in order a bit. {Exit Mike.) Now 
we must have no more mistakes like those at AUston, or tiiis 
place will soon be too hot for us, as that was. Fortunately, 
nobody was poisoned after all. But I'll have no more drugs; 
plain, wholesome water, and nothing else. {Telephone rings.) 
Hallo. {Rises a?id goes to telephone.) Yes, what? Dr. 
Graves. 

Voice. Are you Dr. Graves ? 

Dr. G. Yes ; can I do anything for you ? 

Voice. How do I know ? That's exactly what I want to 
find out. I'm Colonel Ailment; of the Ancient and Hon- 
orables. 

Dr. G. Ailment in which ear? What sort of an ailment ? 

Voice. Will you kindly listen to what I say? I — am — 
Colonel — Ailment — of — the — Ancient and Honorables. 

Dr. G. Oh, I beg your pardon ; difficult to hear — surgery 
full of patients. How do you do ? Can you wait a minute ? 

Voice. What ridiculous questions. If I were very well, 
should I be talking into this thing? I'm very ill, dying, for 
anything I know, and I can't wait a moment. 

Dr. G. {aside). Ah, serious case, so much the better. 
{Takes note-book.) I am ready, Colonel. 

Voice. Very well. By the way, are you any relation of 
Captain Graves, of the Rangers ? I used to know him out in 
Texas ; very nice fellow he was. 

Dr. G. Rangers? Ah, yes, you must mean my — a — 
cousin. {Aside.) Hundred times removed. 

Voice. Cousin ? Glad to make your acquaintance. Come 
and have a bit of dinner with me at seven o'clock. 

Dr. G. Very sorry, Colonel, very busy this week. {Aside.) 
Must keep up appearance even if I miss a dinner. {To tele- 
phone.) I think you said you were ill. 

Voice. Did I ? Oh, yes, of course. I've been sneezing a 
lot this last hour. I think I must have caught a bit of a cold. 

Dr. G. Kindly let me hear you sneeze. {Sneeze heard.) 
Hay fever, without a doubt. What did you drink at breakfast 
— tea or coffee ? 

Voice. Coffee. 

Dr. G. Take tea to-morrow, and I'll send you a bottle of 
something : take it two hours after every meal, half a wineglass- 
ful. {Aside.) There's the first bottle of water sold. 

Voice. But I haven't got such a thing as half a wine-glass. 



10 A NEW START 

Dr. G. Take a whole glass and half fill it. 

Voice. Ah, good idea. But, look here, I have a meal every^ 
two hours. 

Dr. G. Then take it one hour and fifty-nine minutes after 
each. 

Voice. All right; send it up at once. And look here, 
Doctor, I — hello, there's the bell for lunch ; I must go. Good- 
bye. (Ri?igoff.) 

Dr. G. Well, there's the first patient. I'll mix his physic 
at once. (Mixes. Telepho7ie rings.) What, another already ? 
This is business. Yes. Are you there? Dr. Graves. 

Voice. I want Dr. Graves himself, not his assistant ! 

Dr. G. He has no sister. 

Voice. You really must pay more attention. I said as- 
sistant. 

Dr. G. Oh, I beg your pardon. (Aside.) Confound this 
telephone. I may as well have an assistant ; it won't cost any- 
thing. (Aloud.) Dr. Graves is very busy just now, attending 
to a lady. Would you like to speak to him ? 

Voice. Certainly, if you please. 

Dr. G. Dr. Graves is now at your service, madam. 

Voice. I am Miss O'Phee. Are you Dr. Graves himself? 

Dr. G. I am, madam. Are you sick? 

Voice. No, thank you, not at present. But I often am 
sick, so I thought I should like you to know. 

Dr. G. Ah, yes, I had better examine you. Please press 
the telephone near your left shoulder. (Pays no attention.) 
Ah, 1 see you are not quite the thing, Miss O'Phee. (^Enter 
Mike with provisions.) I will send you some medicine. 
Please take a dose every three hours till further notice. (Aside.) 
Another bottle of water sold. 

Mike. Oh, aren't the customers rowlin' in nayther. (Shouts 
at telephone.) Good luck to ye ! 

Voice. What do you say? Your remark sounds rather 
strange. 

Dr. G. You overheard a grateful patient, madam ; an 
Irishman, whose leg I have just amputated successfully. 

Voice. Oh, how nice of you. 

Dr. G. I am afraid I must leave you now, Miss O'Phee. 
This is a busy day. (Aside.) House-cleaning, in fact. 

(^Prepares medicine.) 

Mike. It's a foine place this, Docther, but sure ye might 



A NEW START II 

be reconnized up at the hotel by some ould wanderin* rascal 
from the ould place. 

Dr. G. Wait a minute, Mike. {Puts on whiskers, wig 
and coat.) What about recognition now ? 

Mike. Sure not a soul could tell ye. Ye look quite the 
gintleman. 

Dr. G. That's a remark, Mike, which would offend some 
people. 

Mike. Offinded at bein' called a gintleman; then Oi'd 
oblige them wid callin' thim a blaggard. 

Dr. G. Well, now I'll go and show myself, and try to get 
that sack of kindlings. You smarten up the place and get a bit 
straight. Take two bottles to the hotel before you begin. 

[Exit. 

Mike {producing iivo iter rings ami two c^g:;^. There. If 
a herrin' an' a half cost three ha' -pence, as the schoolmaster 
used to say — bad luck to him — what 'ud a dozen come to? 
More than what we're got to pay wid. That's answered asy. 
Times is bad wid the doctherin', but {heroically) 1 stands by 
the docther for better for worse — till my wages is paid up. 

(MiKE/«/x herrings into a saucepan.) 



CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — Mrs. Langwidge's house. Mrs. L. seated. 

Mrs. L. Well, thank gracious, there's some gentlemen livin* 
yet. He saw in a minute thnt T was poorly, which is whal no- 
body else ever can see. You 'ave a heye, I says. Doctor, which 
Dr. Blunt 'ave not, which says there's nothin' the matter with 
me, and me ailin' from morning till night. {Rises.) Where's 
that overgrown lad? (Ca//s.) Tommy! Tommy! He 
shall go and fill a sack o' kindhn' this very minute. *' I take 
no fee from the poor," says this doctor, as is a doctor, " but if 
you would do me a favor, send me a sack o' kindlin*." 
Tommy ! 

Enter Thomas W rotter, hands in pockets, 

Tom. Well, Aunt. What now? 

Mrs. L. What are you doin' with yourself this whole 
mornin', and me screechin' fit to bust? 

Tom. Reading a book. 

Mrs. L. Readin' a book, indeed ! You never see me 
readin' a book, I'll wager a penn'orth©' pins. I thank gracious 
I never learned no readin'. What's the good o' books, I'd like 
to know ? 

Tom. Just to learn from ! 

Mrs. L. And what's the good of learnin*, pray? All they 
learn you is to be idle and not come when you're called. If 
Langwidge 'ad 'a' been alive and catched you learnin' you'd 
'a' gone to bed afore your time with your bones sore. 

Tom. My uncle had no mind, and you have less. 

Mrs. L. No mind, indeed. I've a mind to slap your 'ead, 
you good-for-nothing imperent. I've mind enough to cook 
your vittles without you 'avin' mind enough to earn 'em. 

Tom. When the right work offers, Aunt,! am ready to do it. 

Mrs. L. I should think you was, so long as it's work that 
ain't work. A pretty tax your poor father left me when he left 
me you to bring up. I found you a situation at Cambridge in 
the labatory along of your uncle; why didn't you stick to that? 

12 



A NEW START 1 3 

Tom. Nice situation, indeed, washing bottles all day ! 
{Aside.') I leave manual labor to those who have no brains. 

Mrs. L. It's a sight better than drinkin' out of *em, which 
is all you'll come to, I'm thinkin'. Why ain't it good enough? 

Tom. If you must know, 1 aim higher. (Aside.) If others 
live by their wits, why not Thomas Wrotter ? {Aioud.) But 
I think you called. 

Mrs. L. Oh, you think so, do you? After me screechin' 
*< Tommy " till I'm 'oarse, all for nothin'. 

Tom. By the way. Aunt, at my age I think I am at least 
entitled to be called Thomas. 

Mrs. L. '< Thomas" you'll be called, will you? "Jack- 
ass" I should think — you and your book-learnin' and your 
aimin' 'igher. Listen to me. The new doctor's been 'ere. 

Tom. I saw him. (Aside.) Lucky fellow, makes five dol- 
lars an hour with his gloves on. 

Mrs. L. Oh, you did ! I'm glad you're not blind as well 
as deaf. Well, you've got to fill 'im a sack o* kindlin's, do 
you 'ear? 

Tom. I fear I 

Mrs. L. {emphatically). You've got to fill (Darts at 

him with uplifted hand ; Tom places a chair between.) You 
do something for your vittles and clothes. You was com- 
plainin' about your shirt last week — a good shirt as your poor 
uncle wore for years and never found a fault with. You don't 
have no new shirt till you've earned it, there ! 

Tom. I tell you I cannot fill a sack. 

Mrs. L. {with uplifted hand again). If this sack ain't 
filled when I come down again, you'll know the reason why. 
I can use the stick yet, big as you are, mind you that, my lad. 

\^Exit. 

Tom. a coarse creature, but useful. And father was as 
bad. What a refined and diplomatic creature my mother must 
have been, but I have no recollection of her, poor dear mamma. 
And I, who inherit her refinement, must fill this dirty sack 
with dirty kindhng to secure a coarse meal and a decent shirt 
— ugh ! {Throivs do7vn the sack.) Let me but find an oppor- 
tunity and I will flee this squalor, I will soar — soar 

(Mrs. L. bursts in with a stick and strikes him.) 

Mrs. L. Ay, sore enough, I promise you, my lad ; sore, 
and black and blue unless you get that sack filled. {Another 



14 A NEW START 

bloiu and a chase.') There ! that's a taste o' what there's more 
of to come. Find me my spectacles. {Takes them.') \_Exit. 
'You {sittifig down exhausted). What a violent woman. I 
can bear her no more. I will go and be a commercial clerk, or 
secretary to a butcher, anything to escape this coarse brutality. 
Happy thought ! I'll take this kindling to the doctor and beg 
him to take me into his surgery. Something might come of it. 
I will do it. He will doubtless be glad of a person of my 
manners and address for the patients. 

(Knock. Enter Miss O'Phee ^7^^ Colonel Ailment.) 

Col. This lady and I have walked from the hotel, and she 
is somewhat fatigued. Might I venture to ask leave to rest here 
for a few moments ? 

Tom. Our poor cottage is honored by the visit of so dis- 
tinguished a gentleman and so fair a lady. Be seated, I beg. 
{Aside.) I may as well lay it on thick; something may come 
of it. 

Miss O'P. {aside). What a cultivated young man. 

Col. May I ask the further favor of a glass of water from 
the spring at your door ? 

Tom. It is you, sir, who will confer the favor by partaking 
of it. \^Exit. 

Col. a civil young fellow. Manners like that ought to be 
encouraged. 

Miss O'P. It is delightful to find them amongst the work- 
ing people, who are generally so horribly independent. 

Enter Tom with water. 

Tom. I bring you a pledge of our humble hospitality. As 
the poet says : 

" Give me a draught from the crystal spring 
When the burning sun is high." 

Miss O'P. (««'^<r). Poetry, too. {Aloud.) And so you read 
poetry ? 

Tom. I do, madam. I have even written poetry myself. 

Miss O'P. Perhaps you would recite us some? 

Tom. I shall be honored. I have composed a few couplets 
upon this very subject of water, to which perhaps you will 
deign to listen. 

Miss O'P. Oh, we shall be delighted. 

Tom. I thank you. {Recites.) 



A NEW START I5 

Oh, water, noblest gift that Nature gives 
And pours on every thirsty thing that lives ! 
Ale, porter, wines and spirits — all are bosh ; 
Though nice to drink, they're useless quite to wash ; 
And how, without our water, could there be 
That fragrant, ever welcome, cup of tea? 
In water-music does the ocean surf 
Sing 

Mrs. L. {heard shouting). Tommy, 'ave you filled that 
sack of kindhng ? 

Tom {with a start). 'Tis my aunt; pray excuse her. She 
is somewhat under-bred. 

Col. You appear to be a young man of some education. 

Tom. You notice it ? I am. I was not born for this. 
{Pretends to weep.) (' 

Miss O' P. Poor fellow. What would you like to be ? Per- 
haps we could help you. 

Tom. Madam, you would make me your slave forever. Do 
but take me from this hovel, and it shall be my sole endeavor 
to make the most of your kindness. 

Miss O'P. {to Col,). What do you think. Colonel ? Would 
it be wise to give him a little money ? 

(Tom retires to the rear, and accompanies the conversation 
with suitable grimaces.) 

Col. I should give him a little advice ; it is less expensive. 

Miss O'P. What shall I advise him ? 

Col. Well, he might make a schoolmaster. He seems to 
have plenty of jaw. 

Miss O'P. Oh, he is far too poetical. 

Col. Well, perhaps he would make a barber. Conversa- 
tion always helps a barber. I talk to mine a great deal. 

Miss O'P. I'm sure he's too intellectual for a barber. He 
really seems a very superior young man. 

Col. What do you think of sending him to college, and 
getting him made a Ph. D. or something? I've known it done. 

Miss O'P. We might do that if we really can't think of 
anything else. But what would he like himself? ( To Tom.) 

Tom {advancing). Madam, you encourage me to confess 
that the desire of my life is to become a doctor. I have longed 
for it for the last — 2i^-{aside) ten minutes. 



1 6 A NEW START 

Col. Hum ! rather a large order that. 

Miss OT. I am afraid that would be impossible. I am 
quite willing to help a promising youth to the extent of a dollar, 
or even two, and if you would really like to be a schoolmaster, 
or a barber, or a fellow of a college, or anything inexpen- 
sive, you may count on me for two dollars, but to become a 
doctor, I am afraid 

Col. By the way, talking of doctors, I must go and see 
Dr. Graves. I have a shooting pain in the left elbow that 
alarms me, especially in the early morning. 

Miss O'P. I am so sorry, and I myself feel a dizziness after 
lunch about which I really must have advice. We might go 
together, perhaps. 

Col. If this afternoon will suit you, I shall accompany you 
with the greatest pleasure. 

Miss OT. {to Tom). I am afraid I cannot aid you now, 
but next time we meet perhaps 

Col. Madam, you are generosity itself. {To Tom.) We 
are much indebted to you for your hospitality, and I may say, 
too, that — eh — next time we meet, 1 myself will 

Miss OT. Oh, Colonel, how kind you are. {To Tom.) 
Good-day. [Exeunt. 

Tom. Selfish ! selfish ! selfish ! There they go, living in 
idleness, and spending money on doctors, whilst I stay here 
waiting for some one to give me a lift. I positively cannot go 
on like this. For all they care, I might be obliged to work ; 
work ! whilst this old Colonel struts about. {Struts.) Hallo ! 
{Picks up a letter.^ What's this ? "To Miss OThee. ' ' Let's 
have a look. {Opens it.) A love letter. ''Dear Miss OThee : 
In pursuance of the decision of December ist, already inti- 
mated, I beg herewith to offer you my hand and heart, together 
with all inclinations, predilections, determinations, aspirations, 
and other appurtenances of the same, and I hereby undertake 
and covenant to leave the said offer open without prejudice for 
the space of one calendar month from the date hereto sub- 
scribed. Given under my hand and seal this 20th day of 
December, 1902. An answer will oblige. Percy Veering." I 
wonder who Percy Veering is. I'll take of this. Always stick 
to your letters, my old schoolmaster said. {Knock. Tom 
hides letter.') Come in. 

Enter Mike ; Tom stares at him, 

Mike. Ye'll know me again, maybe ? 



A NEW START 1 7 

Tom. To what am I indebted for this intrusion ? 

Mike. Will ye be afther usin* many o' them words, because 
I've come out widout my dictionary this mornin' ? 

Tom. I shall be obliged if you would state the nature of 
your business. 

Mike. Would it be the Mayor o' Boston I'm talkin' to, or 
a mimber o' Congress ? 

Tom. What have you come for ? 

Mike, Now, why couldn't ye ask me that before ? It's a 
sack o' kindling I'm afther, that was promised to the doctor. 

Tom. Are you the doctor's boy ? 

Mike. Boy yerself, ye spalpeen ; Oi'm his butler. 

Tom. Your employer has a large number of patients, I sup- 
pose. 

Mike. Av Oi towld ye the number, ye'd hardly believe it. 

Tom. Do you think he wants a boy in the surgery ? 

Mike. Well, I fancy he's got as many as he wants just 
now. 

Tom. Look here, I want to become a doctor myself 

Mike. Sure, Oi thought ye was out o' yer mind iver since 
Oi come into the house. Will ye be afther givin' me the 
kindling now ? 

Tom. You shall have it ; but look here, isn't it a grand 
profession ? 

Mike. Oh, it's grand enough ; gi' me the kindling. The 
doctor hasn't had a male o' vittles this day, Oi'd have yer 
know. 

Tom. So busy as that? You 'set me on fire with ambition. 

Mike {shouti7ig). Well, you can spare a bit o' kindling for 
a neighbor if ye are afire, can't ye ? 

Mrs. L. (heard from without). I hear ye, Tommy, my 
lad. I'm comin' with the stick, and then ye'll screech a bit 
louder, I'll wager a penn'orth o' pins. 

Tom {to Mike, hastily). Look here, you are ray friend, are 
you not ? 

Mike. Well, I couldn't say, not all of a sudden. 

Tom. It is but a small service I ask you in return for a sack 
of kindling. 

Mike. A moighty small service '11 pay for all the kindling 
Oi've seen. 

Tom. Quick, it is my aunt. Help me to hide. Tell her 
I'm gone out. You shall have your kindling. Where can I 
go? 



l8 A NEW START 

Mrs. L. (without). I'm a-comin', my lad. 
Tom. Here, help me to get into this sack. 

(Tom is put into the sack.) 

Mike (closing the sack and leaving it). Now ye're put 
away illigant. 

Enter Mrs. L. 

Mrs. L. Tommy! (T^ Mike.) Where's that lad ? 

Mike. Oi just lost sight of 'im a minute since. 

Mrs. L. You're another of 'em, I expect. I'll teach him to 
fill the house with his idle, good-for-nothing mates. 

Mike. It's a foine gift o' the gab ye've got an' all. (Mrs. 
L. attacks him, and finally drives him out.) Hould yer hand, 
ye wildcat. Oh ! oh ! oh ! \^Exit. 

Mrs. L. Any more Irish vagabonds, I wonder ? (Looks 
round.) Ah, he's filled the sack, and a good thing, too. It's 
more nor I expected. And now how's the doctor to get it ? 
(Looks out of the ivindow.) Ah ! (Goes to door and calls.) 
Hi ! you. (Enter Laboring Man. ) Take me this sack up 
to the doctor's, and here's five cents for yourself. (Man tiods 
and takes the sack. Exit. ) Now that's off my mind, I'll have 
a cup o' tea. (Sits down.) 



CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE.— Dr. G.'s surgery. Dr. G. alone. 

Dr. G. Capital thing it is to be doctor to a fashionable 
hotel ; new patients always arriving. I've had two to-day, 
that's fourteen a week, 730 a year, and that at five dollars a 
piece comes to^3, 650.00. {Removes eggs and herrings.) And 
now let me tidy the surgery — kitchen — drawing-room — din- 
ing-room — library, for it's the only room we have furnished. 
{Smells herring, throws it out, hits Man.) Hallo, I beg 
your pardon. (Telephone rifigs.) Here, what? {Runs to 
telephone.) Yes, Dr. Graves, 641-3. {EtiterMkH, with sack.) 
What's that, kindling ? That in the surgery, too ! Never 
mind; put it down there. Yes, I'm here. Dr. Graves. {To 
Man.) What do you want ? Come again and you shall have 
half a dollar. 

Man. Be you goin' to cut it up ? 

Dr. G. Yes, of course, if it is not cut up already. {In 
telephone.) I beg your pardon. 

{Exit Man, with gesture of horror.) 

Voice. I have a bad cold on the chest, I am afraid. Could 
you come up and see me ? 
Dr. G. Any pain ? 

(Tom looks out of sack and observes everything^ 

Voice. Oh, dear, yes, I have a good deal. 

Dr. G. I see ! Is it behind or in front ? 

Voice. Behind, just between the shoulders. 

Dr. G. Go to bed at once and put a mustard plaster over 
the place. I'll send you some medicine, and come and see you 
as soon as possible. May I ask who it is ? 

Voice. Professor Wideawake. 

Dr. G. Ah ! I expect you've been staying up too late at 
night. Good-day. {Mixes medicine.) Here goes another 
bottle of water. The advantages of water are numerous. It 
costs nothing, and does no harm, and there is no danger in 

19 



20 A NEW START 

taking the wrong bottle. And here's my practice going up by 
leaps and bounds. Well, this will do for one day. 1 must go 
down to the depot. If anybody wants me, let 'em want. It 
will be a good advertisement — popular doctor, busy man, can't 
get hold of him. {Takes off wig and whiskers, Tom observ- 
ing.) 1 can leave the door on the latch, I suppose; Mike '11 be 
here in a minute or two. [Exit. 

Tom {e/nerging from sack). Whew! (^Whistles.) What 
a lot you can learn in ten minutes if you come to the right 
place. Dr. Graves goes in for the water cure, does he ? 
{Examines bottles y etc.) Now, where's his wig, etc. ? I sup- 
pose this is to give him a professional appearance. How should 
1 look in them ? {Puts on wig and whiskers.) Ah, ha ! how's 
that? {Telephone rings.) 

Voice. Is Dr. Graves there ? 

Tom. No, madam 1 

Voice. Are you his assistant? 

Tom. Er — yes, I am acting as his assistant at present. 
What can I have the pleasure of doing for you ? 

Voice. I have a small pimple on my nose I wish you to see. 

Tom. Er — any pain ? 

Voice. Well, there is a slight pain when I touch it. 

Tom. Er — is it behind or in front ? 

Voice. I said "on my nose." 

Tom. Oh, yes 1 Well, go to bed at once and put a 
mustard plaster over the place. I'll send you some medicine, 
and come and see you as soon as possible. May I ask who it 
is? 

Voice. Miss Skinner. 

Tom. Ah, I expect you've been staying up too late at 
night. 

Voice. Sir I {Bell.) 

Tom. I am learning the business capitally. It seems quite 
easy, and I flatter myself I look the doctor all over. I rather 
wish somebody would come in. I should rather enjoy it. 
How should I receive them ? A bow to begin with, I suppose. 
{Bows.) " Pray be seated, madam ; may I know the nature 
of the symptoms which have procured me the honor of this 
visit " ; or would the Abernethey manner be better — "■ Well ! 
what's the matter with you? Sit down 1 " On the whole I 
think the abrupt manner will be best. {Telephone rings.) 
Hallo! {Goes to telephone.) What, yes. Dr. Graves, yes. 

Voice. Are you very busy just now ? 



A NEW START 21 

Tom. Pretty well ; who is it ? 

Voice. Manager of the hotel, Mr. Coolhead. 

Tom. Do you want Dr. Graves ? 

Voice. Yes, I've got a F6te Champetre coming on to-day. 
I should like you to see it. 

Tom. Oh, yes. (Aside.) Now, what is a Fete Champetre ? 
(/// telephone.) Is it behind or in front ? 

Voice. Oh, in front, the usual place. Can you come ? 

Tom. Not to-day, I'm afraid. 

Voice. It will be a big affair. 

Tom. Well, put a mustard plaster over it, and go to bed at 
once. I'll send you some medicine, and come round to-monow. 
{^Rings off.) Capital. No fear of Dr. Graves coming back yet, 
I hope. {Voices heard without.) Hallo, visitors; now for 
the Abernethey manner. Hm, hm. 

{Sits down and begins to write.) 

Enter Mike with Miss O'P. afid Col. 

Mike. Colonel Ailment and Miss O'Phee. (Tom waves 
his hand without looking up. Mike, to the others.) Sit down 
and get your pulses ready, and then the Doctor'll look at 'em 
in a bit. [Exit. 

Tom (suddenly). Hum. Who is it? 

CoL. My name is Ailment, sir, and this is Miss O'Phee. 

Tom (aside). So it is. (Aloud.) Hum. What's the mat- 
ter with you ? 

Col. You have perhaps forgotten that we had a conversa- 
tion with you this morning by telephone. We have taken the 
medicine. 

Tom. Oh. Any better? 

Miss O'P. I cannot honestly say that we are. 

Tom. Let me look at you both. [Looks at Col.) Hallo, 
you have a pain in your left elbow, I suspect. 

CoL. That's exactly what I was going to tell you. 

Tom. You needn't tell me. I know my profession. Espe- 
cially bad in the early morning, I should say. 

CoL. Sir, you know everything. 

Tom. Pooh, that's nothing, and now Miss O'Phee, if you 
please. (Looks at her.) You appear to be subject to giddi- 
ness. 

Miss O'P. Oh, Doctor, you read me like a book. 

Tom. Pooh ! Worst after lunch, is it ? 



22 A NEW START 

Miss O'P. How ever can you tell? 

Tom. Science, madam, simply science. I'll set you both 
right in next to no time. {To Col.) You must be careful 
about your diet. You take a light breakfast, I hope. 

CoL. Oh, yes, always. 

Tom. Porridge ? 

Col. Yes, porridge. 

Tom. And an egg, perhaps? 

Col. Yes, two or three eggs, and a bit of bacon or fish, 
and perhaps a mutton chop or two, never more than that. 

Tom. That's rather much ; you must leave out one of the 

eggs. 

CoL. Well, if I must ! Lunch can go on as usual, I 
suppose ? 

Tom. Hm ! What do you take for lunch ? 

CoL. Just soup, fish, a slice of beef or something, and 
sweets, with cheese to follow. 

Tom. Well, don't take too much cheese ^ you must deny 
yourself something. 

CoL. All right, if you really think so. I may make up for 
it at dinner, 1 suppose ? I can't starve, you know. 

Tom. Dinner I leave to you entirely, and I'll give you a 
bottle of something to rub the elbow with. {To Miss O'P.) 
And now, madam. 

Miss O'P. Don't give me any nasty medicine. Doctor, 
please. 

Tom. Medicine ! You don't want medicine. What sort 
of hairpins do you use ? 

Miss O'P. The usual sort, I think ! 

Tom. The usual sort will not do at all; you must have 
some of my electro-magnetic hairpins. They're worth five dollars 
a box, but you shall have 'em for four dollars and ninety-nine 
cents. 

Miss O'P. You are too kind, Doctor. 

Tom. Not at all. (^///^r Mike.) In the interests of Science 
I would do more. {Aside to Mike.) Get me a packet of hair- 
pins, quick. 

Mike. It's a sack o' kindling Oi'm a-wantin' ; there's no fire. 

Tom. Yes, yes, all in good time ; but go. Here. ( Gives 
him a tip.) \_Exit Mike, after inquiring glarices. 

CoL. I feel a trifle giddy myself at times. Doctor. 

Miss O'P. Oh, Colonel Ailment, you cannot wear hair- 
pins. 



A NEW START 



*3 



Col. No, perhaps not, but I was thinking 

Tom. Certainly, Colonel ; I have an electro-magnetic collar 
stud at the same price. {Removes one of his ow?i studs. ^ 
Col. (Jakifig the stud). A thousand thanks. 
Tom. Don't mention it, thank Science. 

E7iter Mike. 

Mike. I got two boxes, because they was two for five cents. 
' Tom. What's that? Oh, matches. (Takes hairpins.) All 
right; don't wait now, come again in ten minutes. 

(^Hustles him to the door.) 

Mike. But I want to know 

Tom. In ten minutes I shall be at liberty; come then 
(aside) and you shall have a five- dollar bill for yourself. 
{Exit Mike. Tom gives hairpins to Miss OT.) Now, 
madam, consider yourself cured. 

Col. We are greatly in your debt. Doctor, for this 
attention. 

Tom. Oh, not at all. Your chief debt is to Science. My 
fee is only twenty-five dollars — ready money, of course. I do 
not keep books. 

Miss OT. But I have never paid so much as that before. 

Col. You do seem a little expensive. 

Tom. An entire mistake, sir ; one doctor cures you in ten 
visits at five dollars ; that's fifty dollars. I cure you in one at 
twenty- five dollars. My prices are half his, plainly. 

Col. Well, well, health first, wealth second. I think you 
said twenty-five dollars. [Counts the sum.) There. 

Tom. And the stud five dollars. (^Takes another.) Thank 
you. 

Miss OT. I have never paid more than five dollars. Doc- 
tor. Couldn't you let me off with that ? 

Tom. Well, one must never be hard upon a lady. I will 
take five dollars for the treatment. 

Miss O'P. Oh, thank you. 

Tom. And five dollars for the hairpins. 

Miss OT. Well, if you really think I am cured. I must 
not complain. (^Pays.) 

Col. By the way, you don't happen to know another mem- 
ber of your profession, I suppose. Dr. Wrightup, of Allston ? 
His father is an old friend of mine in Texas, and I promised 
to look him up. 



24 A NEW START 

Tom. I regret that I do not. Wrightup, Wrightup, no. 
Good-day. (Exeunt.) This is the profession I was made 
for. No harm done. All parties satisfied, and I forty dollars 
to the good. {Ettter Mike.) Well? 

Mike. I think you was the gintleman that mentioned a 
five-dollar bill. 

Tom. Five dollars ? Two dollars and a half, wasn't it ? 

Mike. Yer honor's memory's not so good as my hearin* ; 
five dollars was the word, and Oi'd loike to see the color of it. 

Tom {giving it'). Well, I won't be ungenerous. 

Mike {pocketifig it). And now, sir, Oi'm wantin' a few 
words of explanation. Where's the doctor, and who are ye 
at all ? 

Tom. Who am I ? I am — well, you know who I am. 

Mike. Would Oi be afther askin' ye to amuse meself ? 01 
know the wig and Oi know the whiskers, but as regards yersilf, 
Oi haven't the honor of your acquaintance. Who are ye at 
all? 

Tom {removing wig, etc.). Now do you remember ? 

Mike. Ha ! it's the lunatic. Hould yer gab and don't 
speak to me till Oi get the dictionary. 

Tom. You are pleased to be facetious. 

Mike. There he's at it. Will ye be good enough to tell 
me, afore yer jaw breaks, what it is ye're playin' at? Where's 
the docther ? 

Tom. He went out an hour ago. 

Mike. An' gave ye leave to wear the whiskers? 

Tom. Well, he didn't tell me not to wear them. 

Mike. What is it ye're playin' at now? 

Tom. Oh, nothing at all. In fact, I'm just going. 

Mike {intercepting him). Asy now; av ye've pisened any 
of the patients it'll be handy to have ye here when the police 
comes. 

Tom. Poison, ha ! ha ! Do you know what these bottles 
contain ? Water ! 

Mike {aside). Oh, he knows all about it. {To Tom.) 
Well, ye'd better stay till the master comes back, anyhow. 

Tom. How long will he be ? 

Mike. Where's he gone ? 

Tom. He said the depot. 

Mike. Then he'll be another hour, but he'll be glad to see 
the way ye've been lookin' after the business. 

Tom (taking him aside). Look here. 



A NEW START 25 

(^Gives him a five -do liar bill.) 

Mike. Oh, it's saycrets we're goin' to hear at this price. 
I can earn as much in ten minutes here as I can in ten weeks 
with the master. 

Tom. The doctor does not know I'm here. I came in the 
sack. 

Mike. Ye'd foind the walkin' troublesome, Oi'm thinkin'. 

Tom. No. I was brought in mistake for kindling. 

Mike. An' Oi've not a morsel of oinything to cook the vit- 
tles with after all. Ah, ye robber ! an' the master'U be home 
in an hour for his mate. \Exitj hastily. 

(Tom puis on wig, etc., agaifi.) 

Tom. Well, here's another hour's practice for me ; perhaps 
we shall have more patients. {Rubs his hands.) This way 
for the safe cure. {Sits down.) 

Enter Mr. Percy Veering. 

Mr. V. Ahem ! 

Tom {looking round). Ha, you want Dr. Graves; take a 
seat. What is your name, sir ? 

Mr. V. I think you know my name. 

Tom. Ah, Mr. Coolhead, I suppose ; Fete Champetre no 
better, eh ? 

Mr. V. I am not to be trifled with, Mr. Wrightup. 

Tom. Upon my word, sir, your manners are original ; my 
name is not Wrightup. 

Mr. V. Come, sir, this farce had better end. Your dis- 
guise is useless, sir. I know who you are, and you know me. 

Tom. Disguise, sir ! How dare you insinuate ! 

Mr. V. Your wig and whiskers cannot hide you. You are 
William Wrightup, of Allston, and I have to charge you with 
attempting to poison Miss Susan Ladybird. 

Tom {aside). Here's a complication; what shall I do? 
{To Mr. V.) Why do you suppose me to be Mr. Wrightup, 
sir? 

(Mike peers in from time to time during the interview.) 

Mr. V. I know that you are practicing here as Dr. Phil 
Graves, and I do not intend you shall escape, sir. I have a 
constable within call. Off with your disguise. 



26 A NEW START 

Tom. I suppose you are acquainted with Mr. Wrightup's 
appearance ? 

Mr. V. Only too well. 

Tom {taking off disguise). Then do you see him here ? 

Mr. V. What ! Foiled ? It is a trick, sir. Where is he ? 

Tom {suddenly). I think you said you were Mr. Percy 
Veering. 

Mr. V. That is so. Where is Mr. Wrightup ? 

Tom. Then you know Miss O'Phee? 

Mr. V. Ha! What is this? What of her? Where is 
she? 

Tom. You will find her not far from Dr. Graves. 

Mr. V. What mean you ? She is practically ray affianced 
bride. 

Tom. She is a patient of Dr. Graves, and if you want to 
save her life 

Mr. V. {gri?idi?ig his teeth). Oh, tell me where I can find 
him. 

Tom. I will tell you where you can find them both. 

Mr. V. Quick, tell me. 

Tom. My price is twenty-five dollars. I am a poor man. 

Mr. V. Twenty-five dollars ? Here, take it ; only tell me 
quick. {Gives money.) 

Tom. It is soon told ; you shall find them here — {goi?ig to 
telephone) in this room. Hello, hello ! 641-3, Dr. Graves. 
Yes. Is Miss O'Phee in the hotel? Yes; ask her to come 
round to the surgery at once ; very important. Yes, Dr. 
Graves. Yes. At once. {Ri?igs off. To Mr. V.) Now, 
sir, you shall conceal yourself here, and witness the interview 
between Mr. Wrightup and Miss O'Phee. Then you can dis- 
close yourself at the critical moment and do what you like. 

Mr. V. Ah ! Very good, thanks. Where can I hide? 

Tom. Here is a sack which he will expect to see lying here 
full as it was when he left. You shall fill it. I came here in 
it myself. It's a roomy sack. 

Mr. V. If I catch him, you shall not go unrewarded. 

(You puts Mr. V. into sack.) 

Enter Mike. 

Mike. Ye've got the villain now safe enough. 
Mr. V. {from sack). Who is that stranger ? I insist upon 
being liberated at once. 



A NEW START 27 

Tom. I fear I must leave you, but this is Dr. Graves' serv- 
ant, with whom you may make terms for yourself. 

Mr. V. What ! the Irishman ? Let me out, I say. 

Tom. Good-bye. [Exii. 

Mike {tying sack). Oh, it's quoite well ye'U do where ye 
are. {A kick.) 

Mr. V. I'll have the law on you for this. 

Mike. Oh, indade ; have ye got him in the sack wid ye ? 

Mr. V. Let me out. 

Mike. Ye got in to plaze yourself; ye'll come out when it 
plazes me. {Drags sack to a cor7ier ; screams issue froin it.) 
Is it yer roight or yer left soide that ye slape on ? 

Mr. V. Let me out. 

Mike. Well, if ye won't tell me, don't complain if ye drame 
wrong. Oi don't care so long as ye slape on the inside. (Kick.) 
Go to slape now till Oi come again. [^Exit. 

(Screams from Mr. V.) 



CURTAIN 



ACT IV 

SCENE. — Surgery as in Act III. Mr. V. in sack. 

Enter Dr. G., hurriedly. 

Dr. G. Well, here we are; where' s my professional outfit? 
(Puts on wig, etc.^ Any callers? No? Ha! one letter. 
( Opens and reads.) '^ Dear Billy : If I'm through, come and 
dine with me on Saturday, and we'll celebrate the event, tlie 
double event, I hope, for of course it will be no fun if you are 
not through as well. I shall know no peace until I see the 
Herald to-morrow, and by the time you read this we shall both 
know our fate." Why, the list's out to-day. Here, Mike. 
{Calls.) Mike! 

Enter Mike. 

Mike. Was yer honor callin' ? 

Dr. G. Yes ; go right away and get the Herald. 

Mike. Where' U Oi go for it? 

Dr. G. Anywhere ! Beg, borrow, buy or steal, only get it. 
My examination is in it, and here am I none the wiser. Go ! 

Mike. But just a word first. Doctor. 

Dr. G. Not a word until I have the Herald. Go at once. 
Go! go! 

Mike. But ye'd better know what's in the sack. 

Dr. G. Go ! Whatever's in the sack can stay there until 
you come back. (Pushes him out.) 

Mike. But, Doctor. 

Dr. G. Go ! go ! go ! (^Exit Mike.) What*s wrong with 
the sack, I wonder ? I suppose they've not sent enough of the 
stuff. {Looks out of door.) Hello, people at the door ! \^Exit. 

Mr. V. I hear your voice, Mr. Wrightup ; you will suffer 
for this. I demand to be let out immediately. 

Miss O'P. {heard approaching). I thought I would come at 
once. 

Mr. V. 'Tis she. Ah ! I will wait. All in good time, 
my friends. All in good time. 

28 



A NEW START IQ 

Enter Dr. G., Miss OT. and Col. 

Miss OT. We were going to a fete this afternoon, but 
since you sent for me, I thought I would not delay. 

Dr. G. Oh, yes, er — certainly. {Aside.) When did I 
send for her ? 

Miss OT. The hairpins are wonderful. I feel better al- 
ready. They are quite worth the money. 

Dr. G. That's excellent, er — er, capital. (Aside.) What 
is she driving at? 

Col. And the collar-stud has already made me feel quite 
another man. 

Dr. G. Collar-stud? (Aside.) This is too much. (Aloud.) 
Are you mistaking me for a haberdasher? 

Miss OT. Your remark is very strange, sir. Have you 
forgotten our interview of this morning ? 

Dr. G. Madam, I have had no interview with you this 
morning. 

Col. Come, sir, indeed I may say come on, sir. (Squa?-- 
ing.) I am this lady's protector. (Sack wriggles.) You are 
trifling with her. 

(Noise heard. Enter Mrs. L. and Man.) 

Man {pointing to sack). Theer he be, in theer. 

Mrs. L. Oh, my poor lad ! You'd cut him up, would you ? 
(Threatens Dr. G. with stick.) Speak to me. Tommy, if 
you're alive, my own darling. (Sack wriggles.) Speak, you 
idle, good-for-nothing rascal ; speak. (Belabors him.) 

Mr. V. Help, murder ! Let me out. 

Mrs. L. It ain't Tommy ; it's another victim. What have 
you done with my lad, you butcher ? 

Mr. V. Help, murder ! Let me out. 

Col. I call upon you, Dr. Graves, to say whom you have 
in that sack. 

Dr. G. I have not the slightest idea. 

Mrs. L. No, you kidnaps 'em promiscuous, and cuts 'em up 
o' nights. Oh, my poor lad. I'm a-goin' to let this party out. 

{Opens sack. Mr. V. emerges.) 

Dr. G. What ! Mr. Veering ? 

Miss O'P. What, Percy ! 

Mrs. L. Where's my Tommy ? 

Mr. V. If I am not mistaken, madam, he left this room not 



30 



A NEW START 



half an hour ago. I found him here wearing that wig, and 
those whiskers ; and unless he comes here and explains, it shall 
be a matter of state's prison — state's prison, madam ; ten years, 
perhaps. 

Mrs. L. Oh, dear; I'll find him, never fear. Don't be 
hard on him, sir ; he has no mother. \_£xit. 

Col. But about these whiskers, sir. Am I to understand 
that you wear a disguise? {Takes him by the collar and 
removes wig, etc.) Oh, you rascal, you impostor. Who are 
you ? 

Mr. V. I will tell you. He is Mr. Wrightup, of Allston. 

Miss O'P. Percy, you have saved us. Oh, the wretch ! 

Col. Wrightup ? Allston ? What, my old friend's son ! 
How are you? (Shakes hand warmly.) You rogue, you 
funny dog, you 

Mr. V. Sir, he is a charlatan. 

Miss O'P. Percy, how disagreeable you are. 

Col. Now, Wrightup, what made you say you didn't 
know yourself? " Do you know Wrightup, of Allston?" said 
I. And you said " No." You know you did now ; what's the 
game, eh ? 

Dr. G. I assure you, Colonel, this is the first time I have 
seen you. 

Col. Why, we were here this afternoon. 

Dr. G. But I was out. 

Miss O'P. Then who was in ? 

Mr. V. Don't I tell you it was the young man that violent 
woman has gone to look for. 

Dr. G. What ? How did he come here ? 

Mr. V. In that sack. He told me so himself, and put me 
into it, confound him. 

Dr. G. The interloper — the thief. Do I understand that 
he has entered my surgery and treated my patients ? 

Miss O'P. He has invented some excellent electro-magnetic 
hairpins. 

Col. And I must say his electro-magnetic collar-stud is a 
triumph of science. I felt well as soon as I put it on. 

Dr. G. Mere fancy, my dear colonel. No qualified prac- 
titioner deals in electro-magnetics. 

Mr. V. Sir, you could not have given a better turn to the 
conversation. Show me that you are a qualified practitioner, 
and I have no more to say. My case falls to the ground, since 
Miss O'Phee wishes it. 



A NEW START 



31 



Miss O'P. Thank you, Percy ; now you talk like a reason- 
able creature. 

Mr. V. But if you cannot, sir, if you cannot, the law must 
take its course. I represent, sir, your Allston patients. 

Col. There can be no difficulty about that, Wrightup, of 
course. 

Dr. G. Oh, no — I mean — in point of fact — well, at this 
moment, don't you know ! 

Miss O'P. You seem to hesitate, sir. 

Mike {heard without). Hooray ! 

Dr. G. Hesitate, not at all. Clear it all up in two minutes. 
(^Enter Mike. Dr. G. seizes paper.) Here we are — {reading) 
"Satisfied the examiners : W. Wrightup." 

Col. Capital, capital. {To Mr. V.) You are a pettifog- 
ger, sir. 

Mr. V. In the interests of my clients, I am not satisfied. 
You may be qualified now, Mr. Wrightup, but when you mis- 
treated my clients you were not. 

Miss O'P. Percy, I cannot tolerate such obstinacy. Colo- 
nel Ailment is quite satisfied. 

Dr. G. Let me explain. If I am qualified now, I was 
equally qualified before this list was printed; in fact, as soon as 
I had passed the examination, and if then, I must have been 
equally qualified before it was held, and since I have done no 
reading for a year I must have been as well qualified a year 
ago. Therefore, I was qualified when 1 practiced at Allston as 
much as I am qualified now. Eh — Q. E. D. 
. Mike. Hear, hear. Q. E. D., R. S. V. P., P. T. O. 

Col. The argument is good ; you have always been 
qualified. 

Mr. V. Excuse me one moment 

Miss O'P. Percy, you are extremely disagreeable ; the Colo- 
nel must know. 

{Noise, Enter Mrs. L., holding Tom by the ear.) 

Dr. G. Here is the interloper. How dare you treat my 
patients, sir? 

Tom. What ingratitude ; here was I, you were out, and in 
came your patients. 

Col. That's true, so we did. 

Tom. And there lay the whiskers, so being of an obliging 
disposition, I 



3^ 



A NEW START 



Dr. G. You dared to personate me, you, an unqualified 
ignoramus. 

Mr. V. Certainly. Dr. Wrightup has proved his qualifi- 
cation — at any rate to the satisfaction of this lady, whose opin- 
ion is mine — {bowing) but you, sir, are an impostor. You shall 
pay for what I have suffered in that sack. 

(Mrs. L. examines the telephone!) 

Miss O'P. Percy, you are too vindictive ; this gentleman 
has at least invented a most wonderful electro-magnetic hairpin. 

Col. Of course he has, and a collar-stud. 

Tom. I thank you both, and since at my humble home, you 
promised to befriend me 

Col. What ? It is the poet ! 

Miss O'P. Oh, how charming. Do recite that delightful 
poem on " Water." 

Mike. Hould on to your seats while the gintleman recoites. 

Tom. Water! {Aside.) Happy thought. {Aloud.) Dr. 
Graves, you doubt my qualification. 1 will prove it. 

Dr. G. Pray do so. 

Mr. V. Yes, pray do so. I imagine that you will not suc- 
ceed. 

Tom. Well, though a stranger to your surgery, I will tell 
you the contents of all your bottles. They contain 

{Whispers.) 

Dr. G. Ah, yes, certainly, an infallible test. My doubts 
have disappeared. He is absolutely correct. 
Miss O'P. There ! Percy. 

{Telephone bell rings. Mrs. 1^. jumps.) 

Mrs. L. I never touched it. It went off its own self. 

Voice. Is Dr. Graves there ? 

Tom {to telephone). I am his assistant. Yes, what ? 

Dr. G. Here, that will do. I have no further need for 
your services. Assistant, indeed. 

Tom. What, you doubt my fitness ? Then let me show my 
knowledge of your drugs. These bottles contain 

Dr. G. No, no, not now ; wait a bit. 

Tom. I will wait on condition that we run this practice to- 
gether. 



A NEW START 33 

(Mr. V. begins to peer into the sack, Mrs. L. watches.) 

Col. Your father asked me to advise you, Wrightup, and 
I advise you to close with this young fellow. He will get on, I 
can see. 

Dr. G. I really cannot afford a pupil who 

Mrs. L. If money's all that's wanted, he's not a pauper. 
There's a thousand dollars with him which 'is father left 'im. 

Dr. G. Done. I take him. 

(Tom puts on whiskers again.) 

Miss O'P. Percy, what are you doing ? 
Mr. V. I will be bamboozled no longer ; I have a writ for 
Mr. Wrightup somewhere in this sack. I mean to serve it. 

{Puts head in sack.) ^ 

Voice. Am I to wait all day ? 

Dr. G. {to telephone). Oh, dear ! Yes ! What is it? 

Voice. Lady come to try Miss O'Phee's wedding dress. Is 
she there? 

Mr. V. {in sack). Wedding dress, Miss O'Phee ! What is 
this ? Stop a minute. 

Miss O'P. Now, don't be absurd, Percy. I am going to 
marry Colonel Ailment, of course. 

Mr. V. I say you shall not. I have a prior claim. 

Mike {closing the sack over him, aftd tying it ?//). All 
roight, sir, lave the lawyer to me. Oi'U carry him out in the 
dark, and lay him in somebody's back yard. 

Mr. V. Help ! Murder ! 

Mike. All roight. Oi'U give ye a pen and ink in there, 
and then ye can make yer will. 

Dr. G. Mike, my faithful fellow, your wages shall be 
doubled. 

Mike. Sure Oi thank you, but Oi've not been recayvin' 
any. 

Dr. G. Never mind, they shall be doubled. 

Mrs. L. And you'll doctor your old aunt for nothing, 
won't you, Tommy — I mean to say Thomas ? 

Tom. Certainly; take a glass of anything you fancy. {To 
Col.) Will you take anything, sir? 

Col. I fear we must take our leave. 

Miss O'P. I hope you will have crowds of patients. 



34 



A NEW START 



Mr. V. Let me out. I have an important engagement. 
Mike. Hear, hear. 

Patients and perseverance 
Made a bishop of his reverence. 

Tom. And they shall make a doctor of T. Wrotter. Here 
goes for Graves and Wrotter. (JSlaps Dr. G. oti the back.) 
Dr. G. And a " New Start." 
Both. Hooray ! {Shake hands,) 

(Mike belabors Mr. V. in sack,) 



CURTAIN 



THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY 

A Comedy Drama in Three Acts 
By Orrin E. Wilkins 
Ten males, six females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two easy inte- 
riors. Plays a full evening. Bob Kendrick, college athlete and popular 
man, is in love with Dorothy Seabury, but she will not hear him until he 
has made a start in life. He runs lor the office of District Attorney as 
part of a political trick of the " boss," Sullivan, but turns the trick and 
wins the election. His first official act is the prosecution of the Packing 
Company of which Dorothy"., Kilhcr is tiic h;jad, which leads to his suicide 
and Dorothy's alienation. Later, when she knows that his strict pursuit 
of duty has not spared his own father's name, which was involved in the 
same scandal, she understands and forgives him. The political thread on 
which is strung a strong and varied story, introducing lots of comedy and 
a strong college flavor. Good enough for any purpose ; strongly recom- 
mended. 

Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Mr. Wm. Seabury, Pres. of Seabury Packing Co. 

Mr. Herbert Brownell, reporter of the •' Tribune^ 

Richard Seabury, senior at college. 

Bob Kendrick, a fixture at the university. 

Billy Reynolds, /;w//wrt« at college. 

P. Homer Suli^iv an, politician. 

John J. Crosby, district attorney, running for reelection, 

JiMMiE, office boy. 

Howard Calvert, Beverly's little brother. 

Sam, Calverf s butler. 

Aunt Hattie, Wm. Seabury s sister, 

Dorothy Seabury, Wm. Seabury s daughter, 

Beverly Calvert, | 

Peggy Marshall, \ Dorothy s chums. 

Polly Whitney, J 

Margaret, servant. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. Drawing-room of the Seabury residence. 

Act n. The district attorney's office, a few months later. 

Act hi. Same as Act I, one year later. 

A SUFFRAGETTE TOWN MEETING 

An Entertainment in One Act 
By Lilian Clisby Bridgham 
Twenty female characters. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an ordinary 
room or hall — unimportant. Plays one hour. Presents a town meeting as 
it will be conducted by and by when the ladies have taken full charge of 
the public business. A shrewd and good-natured satire of present feminine 
peculiarities applied to this problem written for laughing purposes only. 
Just the thing for women's clubs. 

Price, 2j cents 



New Plays 



THE TIME OF HIS LIFE 

A Comedy in Three Acts 

By C Leon a Dalrymple 
Six males, three females. Costumes modern ; scenery, two interiors, 
ir can be played in one. Plays two hours and a half, A side-sphtting 
piece, full of action and a sure success if competently acted. Tom Car- 
ter's little joke of impersonating the colored butler has unexpected con- 
sequences that give him "the time of his life." Vei7 highly recom 
mended for High School performance. 

Price, 2^ cents 

CHARACTERS 

Mr. Bob Grey. 

Mrs. Bob Grey. 

Tom Carter, Mrs. Grey^s brother. 

Mrs. Peter Wycombe, a ** personage.^ 

Mr. Peter Wycombe, a " pessimist " with a digestion^ 

Dorothy Landon, secretly engaged to Tom Carter. 

Mr. James Landon, Sr., Dorothfs father ; of a peppe^-y dtstfiitim. 

Uncle Tom, an old colored butler from the South. 

Officer Hog an, of the Twenty-Second Street Police Station 

EETHER OR EYTHER 
A Farce in One Act 

By Robert C. F. Meyers 
Four males, four females. Costumes modern ; scene, an ihterior. Plsw 
thirty minutes. A clever parlor play, similar in idea to the popular ** 0\> 
5tinate Family." Sure to please. 

Price, IS cents 

THE MORNING AFTER THE PLAY 
A Comedy in One Act 

By Willis Steetl 
Two males, three females. Costumes modern; scene, an interior 
Plays twenty minutes. An easy piece of strong dramatic interest, orig 
inaily produced in Vaudeville by Christy Clifford. Free to amateurs 
royaity required for professional performance. 

Price, iji cents 



New Plays 



THE GOVERNMENT DETECTIVE 

A Play in Four Acts 
By Bernard Francis Moore 
Author of "Belle the Typewriter Girl," "Brother Against 
Brother,'' "The ATootishiner s Daughter," etc. 

Eii^lit males, four females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, four interior?" 

Plays two hours. A highly spiced melodrama suitable for performance 

by young folks or by their elders who like plenty of excitement. Easy 

and thrilling, like all the plays by this author. 

Price y 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 
Captain Wilbur Foster, a government detective; under the as- 
sumed name of Paul Gray, a retired banker. 
John Arnold, the captain of a secret band of criminals, 
Martin Jackson, a wealthy youtig man. 
Alexander Adams, ivarden of the Jtjferson Prison, 
Nick Morton, Foster s assistant. 
James Armstrong, a retired capitalist. 
Edwin Ray, his nephew. 
Peter, a clerk at the prison. 

Mrs. Laura Marston, ayoimg widow and Johri s sister, 
Clara Armstrong, James daughter and heiress. 
Effie Jackson, Martin s sister. 
Mary, a servant. 

A PECK OF TROUBLE 

A Comedy in One Act 

By Alice C. Thompson 

Five females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Plays twenty 
minutes. A capital little play for young girls in or out of school ; cleang 
bright and easy to get up. 

Price, 13 cents 

MUCH TOO SUDDEN 

A Comedy in One Act 

By Alice C. Thompson 

Seven females. Costumes, modern; scene, an interior. Plays thirty 
minutes. Mrs. Alston is a fond mother who cannot see that her daughters 
have grown up until they and all the rest of the world are aware of it. 
Her awakening is very funny. Clean and bright. Recommended for 
schools. 

Price, i^ cents 



THE BEWILDERING MISS FELICIA 

A Comedy in Three Acts 

By Granville Forbes Siurgis 

( Written exp7'esslyfor and presented by The Drama Club of 

the Denver Grade Teachers Association, Colorado.) 

Fourteen females. Scenery, one interior and one exterior ; costumes, 

period of 1830, but may be modern, if desired. Miss Felicia comes to the 

sleepy town of Lilac and occupies her grandfather's mansion. By her 

radiant personality she transforms the characters of all the old maids of 

the village, making them drop all their petty shams and jealousies. 

French dialect, negro and country girl comedy characters ; all the parts 

first-class. A strong piece and not difficult. Plays two and a quarter hours. 

Price, 2j cents 

CHARACTERS 

Felicia Freeman, the newcomer. 

Miss Adeline Paisley, an old maid. 

Mrs. Captain Hippolytus Biddle. 

Mrs. Frederick Addison, divorced. 

Mrs. Robert Douglas, honeymooning alone, 

Mrs. Marcia Murray, a widow. 

Norma Murray, her daughter. 

Miss Mehitable Oggsby, a landlady. 

Hannah Jane, a drudge for Miss Oggsby. 

Miss Lucretia Long,' inclined to be frivolous, 

Mrs. John Jose, who sells butter and eggs. 

Sally Johnson, a laundress. 

Freedom, colored, but free. 

Mamselle, maid to Felicia. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act L — The vacant house. Exterior. — Late afternoon. 
Act IL — Miss Felicia's. Interior. — One year later. 
Act in. — Miss Felicia says "Good-bye." Exterior. — Six weeks 
later, afternoon. 

THREE OF A KIND 

A Comedy Sketch in One Act 
By Gladys Ruth Bridgham 
One male, six female characters. Scene, a simple interior ; costumes, 
modern. Written expressly for the author's High School pupils from 
fourteen to seventeen years of age; one adult and one child of seven. 
Miss Carrington, the new governess, is expected to arrive, and it occurs 
to both Bob and Eloise to disguise themselves like her and have a little 
fun. Their mix up with the real Miss C. is very fiinny. Easy, rapid and 
laughable; a sure hit and can be recommended. Plays twenty-five 
minutes. 

Price^ IS cents 



Two New Prompt Books 

Edited by 
GRANVILLE BARKER 



THE WINTER'S TALE 

By William Shakespeare 

An acting edition toith a producer'' s preface by Granville Barker 

With Costume Designs by Albert Rothenstein 
As produced by Lillah McCarthy at the Savoy Theatre^ London 

An admirable stage version of this play suitable for school performance, 
if desired, under simplified conditions as to scenery. Mr. Rothenstein's 
illustrations contain many helpful suggestions as to costuming. 
Price, 2j cents 

TWELFTH NIGHT 

By William Shakespeare 

An acting edition ivith a producer'' s preface by Granville Barker 
With Illustrations and Costume Designs by Norman Wilkinson 
As produced at the Savoy Theatre, London, by Lillah McCarthy 

Uniform in appearance and style with the above and similarly helpful 
for performance by amateurs as well as by professional talent. 
Price, 2j cents 

Mr. Barker's " producer's prefaces " are a trial step in the direction of 
providing less experienced actors and managers of the great plays with 
the results of an expert consideration of them from an acting standpoint. 
Like Miss Fogerty's admirable work in connection with the five plays 
listed elsewhere, they are designed not merely to answer the questions 
that must arise but to put the inexperienced producer into such a relation 
with the text that his own intelligence will be able to cope with his prob- 
lem without help or suggestion. One learns how a man like Mr, Barker 
approaches a play with the idea of staging it, and so how another may do 
the same thing. In this they will be seen to be truly and genuinely 
educational as well as merely helpful. 



Sent postpaid by mail on receipt of price 

Walter H. Baker & Co., 5 Hamilton Place 

BOSTON, MASS. 



New Plays 



THE COMEDY OF ERRORS 

A Comedy in Five Acts 

By William Shakespeare 
Arranged for School Performance 

Thirteen male, three female characters. Costumes appropriate ; scenery 
of no importance. Plays two hours. An arrangement of this well-known 
play for schools, simplified so far as possible in its division into scenes, 
and cut and rearranged for the use of male actors only, so far as this is 
possible. The rollicking fun of this play has been too long disregarded, 
and its great suitability for school performance by boys will be at once 
seen. Some care will be called for in the matter of costuming it, but this 
labor will be well repaid. 

Price, /J cents 

FARO NELL 

A Vaudeville Sketch in One Act 

By Willis Steell 

Six male, one female characters. Costumes, Mexican and frontier ; 
scenery, a picturesque interior. Plays twenty minutes. A very effective 
dramatic sketch with a star part for a woman. Has been used profession- 
ally in vaudeville. Good character and strong situations ; can be strongly 
recommended either for professional use in vaudeville or for private pert 
formance. Professional acting rights reserved. 
Price, /J cents 

MOR'D ALICE 

A Vaudeville Sketch in One Act 

By Marion Roger Fawcett 

One male, two female characters. Costumes modern ; scene, an easy 
interior. Plays fifteen minutes. A very slight but pretty and effective 
mingling of pathos and humor for an eccentric soubrette. Can be recom- 
mended. 

Price, I J cejits 

THE ALARM 

A Vaudeville Sketch in One Act 

By Marion Roger Faivcett 
Two male characters who double two other parts. Costumes modern ; 
scene, an easy interior. A very dramatic sketch for a man, with a situation 
of much power and pathos. Recommended. 
Price, /J cents 



J1. iU. Pfnero's Plays 

Price, SO Cents €acb 



IVIin THANNiFI Play in Four Acts. Six males, five females. 
i"**/"^**'"*^*''-''-' Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. 
Plays two and a half hours. 

THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH Sr^'SigTl 

males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interiors. 
Plays a full evening. 

THF PROFIirATF Playin Four Acts. Seven males, five 
1 IlLi 1 l\\Jl LilKJtx 1 Li females. Scenery, three interiors, rather 
elaborate ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF QrHfini MIQTDFQQ Farce in Three Acts. Ninemales, 
in£i 0V/nV/ULilrlli31I\£.00 seven females. Costumes, mod- 
ern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY ^^l^IS^^X. 

females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a 
full evening. 

QWFFT f AVFMHFD Comedy in Three Acts. Seven males, 
OllSJUl Li/\ V EillL/EiIV four females. Scene, a single interior, 
costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF THITMnFPDni T Comedy in Four Acts. Ten males, 
ini:i inUilU£iI\OULiI nine females. Scenery, three interi- 
ors ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF TIMF^ Comedy in Four Acts. Six males, seven females. 
»**" lllUEiiJ Scene, a single interior ; costumes, modern. Plays 
a full evening. 

THF WFAITFP QFY Comedy in Three Acts. Eight males, 
in£i TT £i/\IV.£ilV OEdA. eight fepiales. Costumes, modern; 
scenery, two interiors. Plays a full evening. 

A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE ??.T^iCfS,ni;2: 

Costumes, modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Walttv ^. pafeer $c Company 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

ll nil ill 



3S,mnt ^opul 




015 910 074 1 



THP AWAlTFNflNfi ^^^5" ^" Four Acts. By C. H. Chambers. 
lUC A TT AIVEliliiU Four males, six females. Scenery, not diffi- 
cult, chiefly interiors; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 
Price, 50 Cents. 

THE FRUITS OF ENLIGHTENMENT gT^X^^To^n^tZ- 

one males, eleven females. Scenery, characteristic interiors ; cos- 
tumes, modern. Plays a full evening. Recommended for reading 
clubs. Price, 35 Cents. 

HIS EXCELLENCY THE GOVERNOR riTiKln^A^r'T?? 

males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior. 
Acting rights reserved. Time, a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

MinPAT HflCRANn Comedyin Four Acts. By Oscar Wilde. 
iVGALf llUJOAnU Nine males, six females. Costumes, mod- 
ern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. Acting rights 
reserved. Sold for reading. Price, 50 Cents. 

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST Ills'." iy l^li 

Wilde. Five males, four females. Costumes, modern ; scenes, two 
interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. Acting rijghts re- 
served. Price, 50 Cents. 

LADY WINDERMERE'S FAN ^T.?.?%a"n^t1?e^JiST. 

males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full 
evening. Acting rights reserved. Price, 50 Cents. 

NATHAN HAT F Play in Four Acts. By Clyde Fitch. Fifteen 
llAlUiUi llAl^L males, four females. Costumes of the eighteenth 
century in America. Scenery, four interiors and two exteriors. Act- 
ing rignts reserved. Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

THE nTHFD PPITHW Comedy in Three Acts. By M. B. Horwe. 
IIIC UlllCn FLiLiLtVJl Six males, four females. Scenery, two 
interiors ; costumes, modern. Professional stage rights reserved. 
Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

THE TYRANNY OF TEARS g°H-;S'B';iS.^Z4'a'£s,?h^re<a g: 

males. Scenery, an interior and an exterior ; costumes, modem. 
Acting rights reserved. Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

A WOMAN OF NO IMPORTANCE ^oZlX'^irkfi^'n^A 

seven females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors and an 
exterior. Plays a full evening. Stage rights reserved. Offered for 
reading only. Price, 50 Cents. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

J Walttv "$. I3a'fter & Company 

No. 5 Hamilton PlacCj Boston, Massachusetts 

S. J. PARKHILU *, CO , PRINTCI B, aOSTON- 



